The Publishing Industry Isn't Always That Great

As authors here at Women in Crime Ink, we realize how fortunate we've been in breaking into the publishing industry. However, sometimes its not all it's cracked up to be.

Just imagine spending year upon year pouring your heart and soul into a book, having those dreams of grandeur that someday you’ll get published. The day finally comes and you’re euphoric. You get your meager advance, but don’t care because you’re genuinely published. You do your first book signing. Eventually, your books get optioned for television and are being developed into a series.

You are riding high when...uh-oh, what’s this? Grumblings that there are problems with the publisher; the largest and oldest mass market publisher in America. A publisher that used to be highly respected; one that has published the likes of Stephen King, Simon Wood, etc..Come to think of it, you realize you’ve never received one royalty check. The publisher claims you didn’t sell enough books, but Nielsen book scan says differently. In fact, one of your e-books hit 1,000 and…Wait a minute! The publisher doesn’t even own the rights to the e-books. Your agent kept requesting a contract but heard crickets. Digging a little deeper, you find on some sites your book, (that the publisher is illegally selling), is available for free. Yes, for free.

Now, you get a phone call from several bookstores, “Hi, Stacy! We’re out of your books and the publisher says they’re not available. What’s up? We’ve got a waiting list of people looking to order them.”

So, then, said agent gets in touch with the publisher, “Um, what the hell is going on?” Answer: “Well, we’re not sure why they can’t order them from the warehouse. We’ll look into it and get back to you.”

Weeks of crickets—a sound becoming all too familiar. Said agent asks again, “Still waiting.” Publisher, “We’ll get back to you but, in the meantime, have the bookstores call this 1-800-XXX-XXXX to get the books.”

Barnes and Noble, “Uh, we can’t do this. This publisher knows this. We have to order directly through a distributor.”

Agent to publisher, “Ok, we’ve had enough. We’re requesting a reversion of all rights.” Publisher, “To my knowledge, we’re not reverting anyone's rights back.”

Here’s the e-mail all of the Dorchester authors received last November with a few of my comments mixed in (all caps of course):

"Dear Authors: You may have gleaned this information from the previous emailed press release regarding Dorchester’s new CEO, but several exciting changes are happening at the company (WHAT? BANKRUPTCY?) In addition to Mr. Robert Anthony’s appointment, the imminent revamping of our Web site and release of Winter 2010 titles, our old printer and warehouse, Offset Paperback Manufacturers, has agreed to once again distribute single-copy sales of our inventory.(YEAH, OKAY, AND CHARLIE SHEEN WAS JUST ORDAINED AS A PRIEST)

What this means to you, the author:

Your fans will be able to buy your books.(UH, NO, THEY WON’T, STILL CAN’T, AND IT DOESN’T APPEAR THEY EVER WILL) All of your mass-market paperback books that were in stock before the August 7 shutdown are back in stock (LIE). If you have readers who are interested in purchasing your books, direct them to either http://www.dorchesterpub.com/or to the Telecenter at (800) 481-9191. These books will be accounted for individually and appear on your May royalty statement.(LIE)

You’ll be able to set up book signings. Bookstores can once again order your books (NOT TRUE), provided they are willing to do so on a non-returnable basis. Because of the caveat, depending on the number of copies they are willing to buy, they will be granted a scaling discount. They should call the Telecenter to set up orders.( OKAY, YOU’VE BEEN IN THE PUBLISHING BUSINESS HOW LONG? YOU KNOW BOOKSTORES LIKE BARNES AND NOBLE CAN’T DO IT THIS WAY!)These books will also show up on your May royalty statement.

You’ll continue to be able to purchase any stock you desire (LIE). Special offer author discounts continue to apply, on a sliding scale dependent on volume.

Things you should know:

If your rights have reverted, Dorchester is still able to sell these books (REALLY? FIND ME THE LAW ON THAT ONE). A caveat of our reversion notice allows for sales of all pre-existing stock (I GUESS ITS NOT AN ISSUE SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T HAVE A CLUE WHERE THE PRE-EXISTING STOCK IS. BUT PLEASE, WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR EXPLANATION ON HOW YOU ARE STILL OFFERING E-BOOKS THAT YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHTS TO). Be assured that we are not going back to press on any of these books in order to sell them at a discount.

There will be a slightly longer turnaround time on all orders (YES, IT’S CALLED NEVER). Allow a day or two longer for shipments, as some changes have taken place at the warehouse (A WAREHOUSE THAT IS APPARENTLY PERMANENTLY LOCKED AND THEY LOST THE KEY) that will slow fulfillment.

All in all, though, this is great news (OH, YES, IT’S EXTRAORDINARY.). Dorchester looks forward to providing your fans with your books for as long as we have stock and the rights (LIE)—and we wish you the very best of luck in the continuance of your careers. We hope to be part of them."

As to Dorchester claiming they weren’t reverting rights back to any authors...really? Considering I’ve been in contact with multiple Dorchester authors who have since received their rights back—even though you continue to sell their books illegally—I find your answer pretty pathetic. Look, most of my correspondence has been with editor, Chris Keeslar, and I want to be very clear that Chris has been nothing but kind to me. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that Chris is Dorchester’s scapegoat and perpetual sacrificial lamb. That poor guy probably walks through the doors everyday looking down both barrels. But, to the person holding the gun, you are a thief–plain and simple.

I miss you horribly, Don D'Auria. I hope someone rescues you, Chris Keeslar.

I decided to follow J.A. Konrath’s lead and self-publish one of the books in my series that Dorchester didn’t get its dirty hands on. And guess what? I had more downloads in less than one day than Dorchester claimed I had in two years.

You cannot begin to imagine the emotional distress this entire situation has caused. Potentially, thousands of dollars down the drain because my books can’t be purchased anywhere but through a bogus 1-800 number. What brought this particular rant on? Because today, I finally realized I wasn’t alone. There are hundreds of Dorchester authors experiencing this and it makes me sick. With all of my years in law enforcement, I have to say that it absolutely cannot be legal for someone to sell an author’s book without holding the rights to it. You mean to tell me that if Jane Doe Publishing Company takes a Stephen King book, reprints it, and puts it up on Amazon that it would hold for a matter of an hour? I don’t think so, and what Dorchester is doing is no different. It is theft, and I wonder when someone is going to step and deal with it? Authors Guild legal: We’ve contacted you several times about this. Hello? Hello, law enforcement?

Author Brian Keene is trying.

My agent forwarded me an article on him today, which is why I got fired up. Brian, one of the Dorchester authors who had all of his rights reverted (while Dorchester continues to sell his books illegally), has called for an industry-wide boycott of the corrupt publisher. And, thankfully, he is being flooded with adversaries. Luckily for Brian, he has found another publisher for his books. But for the rest of us who are still imprisoned by Dorchester, the future remains very, very, bleak.

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Is Sin City Mayoral Candidate Goodman More Than a 'Mouthpiece?'

By Cathy Scott

Word on the street is that the campaign headquarters of Carolyn Goodman at last Tuesday's election night in Sin City was peppered with mobsters. Old-time mobsters.

"At least 10 were there," the source said.

It's not surprising, considering Carolyn's husband is Oscar Goodman, the self-proclaimed "Mouthpiece for the Mob" who, as a criminal defense attorney, represented the likes of Chicago mobster Anthony "Tony the Ant" Spilotro, once suspected of more than 20 killings, and Philadelphia mob underboss Philip Leonetti. Oscar, currently the mayor of Las Vegas whose three-term sting is expiring, has been vocal about his hopes for his wife succeeding him as mayor.

Back in June of 1999, Oscar Goodman was elected mayor of this gambling mecca. At the time, he said he was proud of his past: "I'm not ashamed of anything." During Goodman's tenure as mayor, he changed his popular "mouthpiece" moniker to "America's Happiest Mayor."

On Tuesday, his wife won 37 percent of the vote, with Chris Giunchigliani coming in second, inching closer to her husband's aspirations for her.

Whisperings, however, at the Goodmans' election-night party, according to the source, were that Carolyn might have been able to pull off an early first in the primary based on name recognition, but when it comes to winning in the run off, it might not be as simple.

That's because Giunchigliani, currently a Clark County commissioner, is known as a politician for the people who runs grassroots campaigns. The personable Carolyn Goodman, on the other hand, is new to politics other than as first lady of Las Vegas for the last 12 years. Mrs. Goodman is more recognized as the founder of a private school, known as a top college prep academy where people with money send their kids

"I am running against a name, let’s put it that way," Giunchigliani recently told The Washington Post. "But I think the public recognizes that the time for that type of leadership style has passed."

Now it's up to the voters. Chris, 57, and Carolyn, 72, will face each other again on June 7 in a run-off election. 

Photos courtesy of the candidates' campaign websites and philly.com.

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Ways to Die: Hanging

by Andrea Campbell

I am pretty sure it's not often that you sit around and imagine what it's like to die by hanging, gunshot wounds, drowning, and all the other means to expire. But mystery writers and novelists have to consider these things for their own fictional world. So, who do you turn to for information? 

Well, a lot of Mystery Writers of America members look to Doug Lyle, MD for answers. You remember D.P. Lyle when we featured his book, Stress Fracture on Women In Crime Ink not too long ago? Today, we welcome him back as a guest editor to answer a question he received on his own blog, The Writer's Forensics Blog, and this particular query is about hanging. Here's Doug's answer to this question:

Question: What Happens When Someone Is Hanged?

Q.: I’ve got a couple of questions about hanging. I have a 140-pound man of slight build who has been hanged. His neck is not broken and thus he is strangling. His hands are bound. How long might he survive before death? Would he lose consciousness well before or shortly before death? If he is taken down before death, we would certainly see abrasion of the neck. What else would we see? If unconscious, would he revive quickly? Could his injuries be life-threatening? (I’m thinking of throat swelling here) I am looking at pre-modern society here. No ER or modern medicine. 

Doug Lyle: In hangings, death results from asphyxia, which is the reduction of oxygen to the brain. Asphyxia in hangings results from the compression of the airways and the carotid arteries (the arteries on either side of the neck that carry blood to the brain) by a noose or other ligature that is pulled tight by the body weight. Thus, the victim must be completely or partially suspended.

Though the airway can be compressed and breathing can be interrupted, the real cause of loss of consciousness and death in most hangings is compression of the carotid arteries, which blocks blood flow to the brain. 

Except for judicial (legally directed) hangings, fractures of the cervical vertebrae (spinal bones of the neck) are uncommon. The reason is that these fractures require that the body drop a sufficient distance to break them. How far is this? The answer depends upon several factors. Individuals who are obese, have small neck musculature, or who have arthritis of the cervical spine may suffer neck fractures quite easily. Just the opposite is true for muscular, thick-necked persons. In judicial hangings, these factors are considered in gauging the distance of the drop. Too little drop and the condemned person is strangled to death, too far and he could be decapitated.

The neck markings seen after hanging depends mainly on the nature of the noose used. Soft nooses such as sheets may leave little or no markings. Bruises and abrasions are not common with softer devices. In fact, if the victim uses a soft noose and if the body is discovered fairly quickly and cut down, the ME may not be able to find any marks at all. A rope or cord may leave a very deep, distinct furrow in the victim’s neck. The longer the body hangs, the deeper the furrow. Abrasions and contusions are more common with these types of nooses. Occasionally the furrow and any associated bruising may reveal the braid pattern of a rope or the link configuration of a chain.

In hangings, the furrow and the bruising will follow a typical course. The pattern is that of an inverted V. The furrow tends to be diagonal across the neck with its high end where the knot is located. The knot is usually to one side. This means that if the knot is to the victim’s left side, the furrow will be lower on the neck and much deeper on the right side and will angle upward toward the left ear. Near the knot, the furrow may shallow and disappear. This pattern is due to the body hanging by the “bottom” of the nose.

Okay, enough about hangings, let’s get to your situation. Since the asphyxia is due to compression of the arteries and not the prevention of breathing, loss of consciousness occurs very quickly, usually in a minute or less and maybe as short as 20 seconds. The brain needs a continuous supply of blood and when this is interrupted, consciousness is lost quickly. Death may take from one to five or six minutes.

If your victim is found within two to three minutes, he would be unconscious but could wake up fairly quickly—in a couple of minutes. Or not. Some people die in a minute while others can take many minutes. Go with a couple of minutes but not longer and you’ll be okay. He would probably have the typical V-shaped bruises on his neck and a furrow that would resolve over a half hour or so.

He could return completely to normal or be left with brain damage or even remain in a coma for hours, days, weeks, months, years, or forever. It all depends upon how long the brain was deprived of blood and luck. This varies from person to person.

D.P. Lyle, MD

Website: http://www.dplylemd.com

Blog: http://writersforensicsblog.wordpress.com

Coming June 2011: HOT LIGHTS, COLD STEEL, a Dub Walker Thriller

Image Credits:

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Hanging.gif

Author's clipart.com account

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The Chemist as Killer

By Deborah Blum

On January 14, a 39-year-old computer engineer was admitted to Princeton University Hospital in New Jersey with nagging, flu-like symptoms. The man was nauseated, suffering from severe joint pains, wracked by a strange, convulsive trembling in his legs. Doctors at the hospital tried one treatment after another, but Xiaoye Wang only became weaker.

Finally, a nurse at the hospital stepped hesitantly forward. She remembered a 1995 case in China in which a student at Beijing University became mysteriously ill. The cause was eventually found to be poisoning by the toxic element thallium. The young woman received a life-saving antidote although she suffered lingering disabilities from the attack.

And–as the nurse recalled from the highly publicized case–the student's symptoms were eerily similar to Wang's. During the man's hospital stay, he'd developed new signs of worsening illness - he'd lost his hair; his skin had thickened; his hands and feet had gone numb.

The Princeton doctors were dubious about a fairly exotic poison use, but they were running out of ideas. So although they couldn't find an in-state laboratory to do the tests, they agreed to send Wang's blood and urine samples out of state. And to their shock, the tests proved the nurse right. The lab had discovered a shockingly high level of thallium in Wang's body.

On January 25, the hospital contacted the New Jersey Poison Control Center for help. The results were in and the doctors had no idea what to do. They had no experience with thallium poisoning. They needed to know how to save their patient.

As Steven Marcus, head of the poison control center, told the Newark Star-Ledger (which has done a great job of covering this story) his first reaction was suspicion. Thallium is a dangerous and carefully regulated poison, once widely available but mostly found in laboratories these days. "It's either attempted suicide or homicide," he said. Marcus added that he knew of only one good antidote for thallium poisoning, a medication called Prussian Blue.

Rather ironically, the antidote's name derives from another famously lethal substance. Prussian Blue refers to cyanide (a component of the medication) which can be used to produce a royal blue pigment. Some cyanide formulas are very deadly, notably hydrogen cyanide or potassium cyanide. But mixed into the tidy antidote formula (brand name Radiogardase) cyanide merely becomes part of a chemical chain that wraps itself around thallium, binding it up, and allowing the body to remove the poison.

By the time, the New Jersey doctors were able to secure the antidote though, it was too late. Wang was deep into a coma; he died on January 26 leaving doctors - and now criminal investigators - to answer the question raised by Steven Marcus. Was it suicide or was it murder?

I actually devoted a chapter of my book, The Poisoner's Handbook, to thallium because it's such a fascinating poison. But Agatha Christie knew this long before I did - it's the star of her 1961 murder mystery story, The Pale Horse. A key to the Christie novel is that thallium appears to be a near perfect homicidal poison. It's is tasteless, odorless, and mixes smoothly and easily into food and drink. A key to my non-fiction tale of five thallium deaths in 1930s New York is that this is also a highly detectable poison. Or as I wrote in the book:

" In the manner of other metallic poisons, such as arsenic, thallium stayed stubbornly in the body, permeating the tissues for weeks and even months after death. Any knowledgeable forensic toxicologist could find it.

It was, one might say, a chemist’s poison."

Which was exactly what the authorities in New Jersey concluded as well.

They'd found no evidence that Wang was suicidal. But further investigation did find that he was involved in an angry divorce which included disagreements over property division and custody of a two-year-old son. Investigators also discovered that his wife, Tianie "Heidi" Li was a research chemist at Bristol-Myers-Squibb, working in a laboratory that included access to thallium.

On February 8, Li, 40, was charged with murdering her husband. She has since pleaded not guilty and is also seeking to have her bail, currently set at more than $4 million reduced.

Let's acknowledge first that Li has not been convicted of murder. Still her arrest raises some intriguing questions on the subject of poison murders. For instance, does one need a chemistry degree to be a thallium killer?

The quick answer is no, but the killer does need to have some specialized knowledge of the poison and its potential. While the killer in my own book was a high school graduate with no science training, those murders occurred at a time when thallium was a widely available and well-known pesticide. That's less true today. The U.S. government removed it from household markets in 1972 due to its hazardous nature.

So let's also acknowledge that today, when thallium is less publicly visible, one might expect a killer to have some chemical awareness. I am aware of one other well-publicized thallium murder that involved a killer with chemical training and that occurred in Alturas, Florida, in the late 1980s. In that case, a (very) troubled former chemist became annoyed with his neighbors, whom he perceived as noisy and inconsiderate.

The angry chemist, George Trepal, left them an anonymous gift of Coca Cola spiked with thallium. The poisoned sodas killed one neighbor and hospitalized two others for months. Trepal was not a scientist with a happy history. At the time of the deaths, he had a criminal record, having served time for working as chief chemist for a methamphetamine laboratory. In 1991, he was convicted of one count of first degree murder and six counts of attempted murder. He remains on Florida's death row today and is the subject of a book titled Poison Mind.

But investigators were never sure how Joann Curley of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, decided to kill her husband, Robert, by putting thallium in his iced-tea. Curley confessed to the murder in 1996, after a relentless five year investigation into his death. And Ann Perry of Long Island, sentenced in 2002 for killing her abusive boyfriend with thallium-laced milkshakes, had no special chemical knowledge either.

The acclaimed British author, John Emsley, who specializes in writing about chemistry in books such as The Elements of Murder has suggested that it's mystery writers like Christie who really brought thallium into the public's mind as a murder weapon. Among the examples he gives is the case of Graham Young, a worker in a British photographic instrument company, who killed two of his co-workers in 1971 by mixing thallium into their coffee. 

As news of Li's murder arrest has spread, increasingly the stories have been framed around chemist-as-killer. "Chemist killed her husband with radioactive poison to avoid going through a divorce" was the headline in Britain's Daily Mail. "NJ chemist pleads not guilty to poisoning husband," was a more stately lead in BusinessWeek. And, of course, some of this is just headline writing shorthand for an event.

But make no mistake. The history of thallium homicides mostly serves as a reminder that any of us can play at the poison murder game. That anyone can play at being a homicidal user of chemical compounds. Yes, Dr. Li had specialized knowledge and access to thallium but as a Joann Curley proves, such training isn't really necessary for a determined killer. If Li is convicted, being a research chemist won't have made her anything special. If anything, it'll have led her into being just another over-confident killer who ended up getting caught.

Caught by the evidence provided by a chemist, I might add. 

A version of this post appeared earlier on Speakeasy Science, my blog for the Public Library of Science.

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The Crime/Animal Cruelty Connection

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D. 

Earl got a kick out of lighting firecrackers after placing them in the rectums of neighborhood dogs. He also hung cats by the neck. Earl Kenneth Shriner later raped, stabbed and mutilated a seven-year-old boy. 

Brenda Spencer loved to set fire to the tails of dogs and cats. She later opened fire on an elementary school in San Diego, killing two people and injuring nine others.

Sharon McDonough, 44, tortured and murdered dozens of pets and ran what her son called a "concentration camp for the animals." After her adult son turned her in, her seven children were placed in foster care. Judge C. Randall Hinrichs lamented he couldn't sentence her to more than the 2 year maximum sentence saying, "The penal law is inadequate to adequately address the true magnitude of the actions here."

The link between animal cruelty and crimes against people is well established. Children who harm animals tend to grow to abuse people. When a pattern of cruelty appears in children, they typically qualify for a diagnosis of conduct disorder. These kids often engage in vandalism, violence against others, and property crimes. When they grow up, they most often meet the criteria for antisocial personality disorder (APD). These are the psychopaths who lack empathy and find satisfaction from sadistic acts of cruelty.

Several states have proposed legislation for an animal abuse registry. California's bill, introduced by State Senate Majority Leader Dean Florez (AB 1277), sits in limbo because of California's budget woes. A registry like this can help law enforcement track those with this history and potentially prevent crimes against people. Of course the current economic climate makes passage of this legislation unlikely.

In March, a New York court was the first to use animal DNA to convict criminals of animal cruelty. Two young men doused a cat with lighter fluid and set it ablaze. Another young man beat a cat to death with an umbrella. The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (A.S.P.S.A.) has collected animal DNA for six other cases. This trend can only grow, protecting both animals and humans from these sadistic criminals. 

Research shows that animal abusers often suffered physical and sexual abuse and witnessed domestic violence as children. Some of these children, with early intervention, might be helped. Teachers, counselors, neighbors and relatives of children with this problem can advocate for early mental health treatment. Care that coordinates law enforcement, counseling, child protective services and support can save some of these tormented youth. If these children obtain placement in a safe home early enough, many can grow to lead healthy, productive lives. 

Photos courtesy of Stoooi, DoubleNJenn and The fly over zone.

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A Day To Laugh Out Loud

By Lisa R. Cohen

Tradition has it here at Women in Crime Ink that this day be marked with a twinkle in the eye. Crime is a serious business, but the sad fact is often criminals don't have any other way to earn a living because... they are so dumb. I had fun trolling through the many websites that celebrate just how dumb they can be.

Here are some of my favorites. I used the very scientific LOL gold standard - if the stupidity of the perp literally had me laughing out loud, it made the cut.

From the folks at Cader Books: "...In the early hours of the morning, in June 1995, Mike Cyprian ducked into a restaurant in Hammond, Louisiana, to make a phone call. He left his car engine running and his nine-foot python lounging uncaged inside. When Cyprian came out of the restaurant he saw his car in a different spot and a man running away.

...While lightening the load of a security van by $160,000 in May 1995, two robbers in Arlington, Texas, foolishly ignored the 23 Japanese tourists nearby. Although none of the visitors spoke English, they silently handed police 39 photos of the getaway car's license plate. The men were arrested soon after.

...Klaus Schmidt, 41, burst into a Berlin bank in August 1995, waved a pistol, and screamed "Hand over the money!" When staff asked if he wanted a bag, he replied "Damn right it's a real gun!" Guessing Schmidt was deaf, the manager set off the alarm, saying later, "It was ridiculously loud, but he didn't seem to notice." After five minutes punctuated by Schmidt occasionally shouting "I am a trained killer!" police arrived and arrested him. Schmidt then sued the bank, accusing them of exploiting his disability.

...Bob Briggs, 24, owner of a Domino's Pizza restaurant in Independence, Missouri, dressed as a giant red rabbit and stood in the road to attract business. In August 1991, he was knocked unconscious by Bobo the Clown, who was promoting a Pizza Hut across the road. Briggs declined to press charges, which is perhaps unfortunate as it would have made an interesting court case."

From a website simply called Stupid Criminals: "...a burglar broke into a Norwegian grammar school – and solved some maths problems. Nothing was stolen in the raid on a school in Klaebu, reports Aftenposten, quoting Adresseavisen. But the intruder did take on a mathematics test intended for third grade students. And, according to local law enforcement officials, he – or she – did a good job, solving all the problems correctly.

...A nurse and two cameramen were arrested at the Munich beer festival for filming a porn movie on the city’s famous big wheel. The 21-year-old registered nurse, unnamed due to German privacy laws, and her two acquaintances were spotted ‘filming sexual acts’ by three Italian tourists in another carriage of the ride. The Oktoberfest tourists alerted authorities, who detained the nurse and the filmmakers – a 25-year-old student and a 30-year-old teacher. Munich police released a statement saying, 'The trio were spotted in the carriage with filming equipment. The 21-year-old suddenly disrobed and produced a sex toy that she began to use while the other two filmed her.'” The three have been charged with public indecency.

...Memo to robbers: Don’t hold up the establishment where you’re trying to get a job.

Megan A. Whittaker, 35, of Menasha, Wisconsin, was arrested Sunday and accused of holding up the local Q-Mart convenience store. Cops say she brandished a toy gun and forced the clerk to open the register. Identification was easy — Whittaker was a regular customer and had recently applied for a job at the store, reported the Oshkosh Northwestern newspaper. Whittaker realized during the robbery that the clerk knew her, police said. So she told the clerk she was her own twin sister. Cops found Whittaker at her apartment, along with the $181 and case of beer that had been taken from the store.

She faces up to $100,000 in fines and a 40-year prison sentence."

Then there was the Ashland Kentucky man who wasn't going to be deterred when he lost his standard issue ski mask.

"...Police say Kasey Kazee entered Shamrock Liquors and attempted to rob the store. Employees were astonished that he had disguised his face by wrapping it in duct tape! The store manager chased him out with a baseball bat and an employee held him in the parking lot until police arrived. Police removed the duct tape after taking pictures, and arrested Kazee, who denied any memory of the incident."

Sometimes it's a toss-up as to whether the criminal is stupid, or just plain wacko. And at CrazyCriminals.com they found some of the wackiest:

"...In Bent Forks, Illinois, kidnappers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China. This was pointed out to the kidnappers in a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the kidnappers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of Success Magazine. They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended.

They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. 'We thought it was just some kind of tradition,' said one.

...Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

...The two suspects had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant's table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. 'And ma'am you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?' Yes sir, the witness answered. 'And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?' Before the witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed openly.

...In Redondo Beach, California., a police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving. According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole, he said, 'It came with the car when I bought it.''

And this one's not laugh out loud funny, but I thought the guy should have gotten off for outsmarting the judge. I doubt it though.

"A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: 'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.' 'Well put," the judge replied. 'Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.' The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out."

In closing I leave you with my favorite crime joke for April Fool's. It's my favorite because it's so absurd, it's got talking animals, and most of all, because it was told to me by Willie Nelson (to be fair, he told me and four other people in the room, but still...):

...A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes here."

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back. "Got any grapes?" he says to the bartender. "I told you," says the bartender grimly, "we don't sell grapes." The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck is back. "Got any grapes?" he asks, and now the bartender is pissed. "Look," he says to the duck, "I told you once, I told you twice, we don't sell grapes here. If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your feet to the bar." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck is back.

"Got any nails?" he asks the bartender.

"No, we don't have any nails," is the answer.

"Good," says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

Happy April Fools!

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The Prosecutor's New Clothes and Amanda Knox

by Mark Waterbury, PhD., with Anne Bremner

We all remember the tale of The Emperor’s New Clothes, by Hans Christian Andersen. Charlatans convinced the vain Emperor that they could weave fabric so fine, so beautiful, that only an idiot or incompetent would fail to see it. Not wanting to admit that he couldn’t see the fabric himself, the Emperor bought a pricey outfit and paraded about before his people.

The people, not wanting to be thought of as idiots or incompetents, all praised his fine clothes. They outdid one another in describing the beauty of the fabric and how perfectly it all fit together.

It was left to a child to point out the obvious: The Emperor had no clothes. Once the child spoke, the floodgates opened and everyone could admit the truth that lay before their eyes all along.

Now, at the appeal of Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito in their trial for the murder of Meredith Kercher in Perugia, Italy, we see prosecutor Giuliano Mignini’s absurd charade of guilt coming apart at the seams. The prosecutor, it seems, has no clothes either. Much of the unraveling took place in just the last week. First, a report from court-appointed independent experts who are reviewing the DNA profiling evidence on two items claimed to be critical by the prosecution, was leaked to Italian media.

The experts report that they have found nothing. No blood on a kitchen knife that the prosecution claimed was the murder weapon, not even between the blade and the handle where it would have surely been wicked up and trapped. Neither did they find enough DNA to profile. The finding that there is no DNA or blood anywhere on the knife marks the beginning of the end for that critical item of evidence.

That result was not a surprise. It was an ordinary kitchen knife that did not match the wounds, did not match an imprint left at the scene, no blood was found on it in the first round of tests with TMB, and the profiler system reported “too low” for DNA. But it had woven, like the Emperor’s invisible fabric, into apparently damning evidence with a breathtakingly simplistic line, “Amanda’s DNA on the handle, Meredith’s on the blade.” Only an idiot or incompetent could fail to see that that meant guilt.

When presented in court it was carried in its own glass case, under armed guard in a melodramatic show. It was scientific nonsense, and now everyone can see it. That knife had nothing to do with the crime. It was also the beginning of the end for the bra clasp that was literally kicked around on the floor by investigators for 47 days, dug out from under a throw rug, dropped back on the floor, then finally retrieved.

The prosecution had no physical evidence whatsoever that associated Raffaele with the crime. So, they sent a team back in after the 47 days to fetch some in the form of that clasp. We learned from that same leaked report that there is no DNA to be found on the clasp. It was claimed by the prosecution to have contamination-level DNA on it from an unknown number of sources, one of them possibly being Raffaele. But now, nothing can be found. Why? Because it seems, the clasp has been stored, for years, in a jar of liquid. Not only has any DNA long since rotted away, the clasp itself has actually rusted. Any competent forensic investigator knows that DNA samples must be kept dry or they will decompose.

This leaves us with a question similar to ones that seem to come up again and again in this case while analyzing the prosecution, their forensics experts, and the judges in the court of first instance. Were they really so incompetent as to not know this? Or could it be that the destruction of the clasp evidence was not a mistake? We may never know. All that is certain is that the clasp will go down as a kind of monument to bad evidence handling.

The prosecutor’s new clothes looked even shabbier when Monica Napoleoni, the head of the polizia unit in charge of the hotly disputed interrogations of both Raffaele and Amanda, failed to show up to testify in court. The astonished judge fined her 300 Euros. There was a recess while they tried to contact her, but she could not be found. Oops! Got the wrong day of the week? The prosecution said that they didn’t really need her after all, but she will be summoned nevertheless. It is not the first time.

Why is it that key witnesses for the prosecution seem to no longer want to appear in court? But it was the testimony of Antonio Curatollo, also known as Toto, a perpetually homeless heroin addict that most clearly laid bare the prosecutor’s new clothes. Toto had been hailed as a “Superwitness,” a role he had practice at playing since this was no less than his third appearance as a critical witness in a murder trial. The man doesn’t get around much, but a lot must go down within sight of his perch on the park bench where he lived.

Toto testified in the trial that he saw Amanda and Raffaele engaging in a heated discussion in the plaza near her home, hanging out for hours on the evening of the murder. This contradicted their alibis that they were at Raffaele’s apartment that night. There were deep problems with Toto’s testimony from the outset, but these had been papered over, and he had emerged as the single, solitary, prosecution eyewitness who the defendants were near the crime scene. He had testified that he was sure of the night and the time because people had costumes on, and there were buses taking people off to the discos.

Trouble is, the buses and costumes are recollections of Halloween night, the night before the murder took place. There were neither costumes nor buses on the night of the murder, November 1, All Saint’s Day, a more sober holiday.

In answer to a question from the presiding judge, Toto explained that although he was addicted to heroin at the time of the events, heroin was not a hallucinogen. He replied that he lived “at home” when asked about his residence, but home turned out to be Capanne prison, where he is serving a sentence for sale of Heroin. He was uncertain about what day Halloween falls on and professed not to know why he is in prison. He was clear about where he relieved himself, in the bushes near the plaza. An assistant prosecutor, Manuela Commodi, dismissed Toto’s multiple contradictions, saying that it doesn’t matter that he confused the night of the murder with Halloween, since we know where Amanda and Raffaele were on Halloween.

But the leaked report, the no-show, and the almost-childlike statements of a bewildered man have now spoken for all to hear, and revealed for all to see - the prosecutor has no case.

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