How to Save Your Daughter's Life

by Pat Brown

There once was a girl who, after having a fight with her boyfriend, left their apartment in a huff. While she as out wandering around, she decided she might as well check a few places to see if there were any jobs available she might apply for. She walked into the local bowling alley and talked with the manager. She filled out an employment form and they chatted. He was cute and sweet, and he asked if she wanted to hang out and go smoke a joint when he went on break. She was in a bad mood, so she said yes.

He directed her to a door that led into an unused area of the building. He said he would slip in through the back and let her in; he didn't want the other employees to see him sneaking out with her. She followed his directions. He let her into the other part of the building, and they sat down just inside on the floor and smoked the weed and chatted. Not so abnormal for a couple of young people (she was just twenty-two and he was about thirty).

After twenty minutes, his break was over, and he told her he had to get back to work. He instructed her to follow him out the back so he wouldn't get caught "playing hooky" with her. He indicated they would need to go down some stairs into the basement and out the back way.

Suddenly, the girl felt something was wrong. She felt the "gift of fear," as security specialist Gavin de Becker would call it. (Becker is the author of the book of that name in which he advises women to pay attention to their gut feelings about danger.) She told the man she wouldn't go out that way, and she stood next to the glass door at the front. 

He looked at her with dead eyes and said, "You think I am going to kill you, don't you?"

She looked straight back at him and said, "Yes, I do."

He let her out the  front door. Whether he did this because he knew she would put up one hell of a fight or because he admired her for being so direct with him, we will never know.

One thing I do know: I am happy to be alive, because that dumb girl who went off to smoke dope with a stranger was me.

(excerpt from How to Save Your Daughter's Life: Straight Talk for Parents from America's Top Criminal Profiler by Pat Brown)

For more on the book, listen to my interview on Elliot in the Morning.

                 

How to Save your Daughter's Life by Pat Brown available now in local bookstores and online at from Amazon or Barnes and Noble.


Included in this book, what parents of teen girls need to know about:

The Early Years
Partying, Drinking, Drugging, Casual Sex (Hooking Up), and Gangs
Date Rape
The Dangers of Social Networking and the Internet
Risky Relationships
Stalkers
Child Predators, Serial Rapists, and Serial Killers
The Sex Trade and Sex Trafficking

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Domestic Violence - Am I Crazy?

by Katherine Scardino

Domestic violence is not funny. It is not macho. Domestic violence against a partner can be so confusing and hurtful that you, on the receiving end, may think you are crazy. You may think you are at fault for the unexplained and abnormal actions of your spouse or partner. I am not saying it is always male against female, because it does run both ways. But in most cases, it is the male abuser against the female victim. Why does an individual who otherwise may be successful, seemingly normal to other people, and even loving at times, suddenly become physically or verbally abusive?

Abusive behavior is not normal. People who have violent outbursts, either physically or verbally, have underlying problems that cause the abuse. Most abusers have personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or sociopathy - technically called antisocial personality disorder. People who suffer from these disorders have extreme emotions which lead them to actions that can range from confusing and puzzling to brutal. Living with these people is painful, both emotionally and sometimes physically. Personality disorders are aptly named because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than those of healthy people.

Abusive partners have a difficult time living with the reality of their behavior. On some level, they may realize how hurtful they are, yet accepting this major flaw in themselves is just too painful for them. These people tend to make the object of their abuse believe they are the crazy one in order to make their own reality less painful. One common defense mechanism used by an abuser is projection, where their disorders are perceived in their partner. They believe they do not have a personality disorder - “you are the crazy one!” Another defense mechanism used by the abuser is blame shifting - “I am not at fault. It’s all your fault.”

Abuse is a behavior, not a disease. It is caused by an underlying disease. Abusive partners constantly work to distort their partner's perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until the receiving end of the abnormal relationship doubts his or her own judgment. This warped sense of what is normal and what is not is a direct result of the abuse.

There are many instances where a spouse or partner feels trapped in this abnormal relationship. That may be caused by loss of self-confidence as a result of the constant verbal or physical violence, or it could be a financial trap. For example, in many domestic violence cases where the partner finally calls for help, we learn that they married a wealthy individual who used financial security to maintain the relationship. It is amazing to healthy people to think of remaining in such a relationship for money, but for those who have suffered the feeling of helplessness due to being poor, it can be understandable. The abused spouse or partner may believe that he or she is not capable of making enough money to even support themselves, or cannot conceive of a situation where they could be on their own. 

Sometimes the abused partner feels so trapped that they remain in the relationship, and just take the abuse, saying it is not that bad. Or even more unrealistic - "I can make him change.” The recipient of the abuse will never be able to change the personality disorder of their partner. It cannot happen. The personality disorder is a disease over which they have absolutely no control, other than allowing the abusive spouse or partner to use them as the object of their unhealthy behavior.

The worst case scenario of this type of relationship is physical violence. Generally, it is the man who is violent with his wife or partner. The abused partner may be forced to discuss the abnormal relationship only after a visit to the Emergency Room and the resultant conversation with a police officer. For most of us, it is unbelievable to think about ever remaining in a situation where a partner hit us - even once.

But, we are not all that strong. In those situations, which are many, the abused individual becomes unhealthy in a different sense. They allow the abuser to convince them that they are crazy or at fault in some other manner. After all, other people, friends, co-workers, think they are lucky to have such a good partner. The abuser hides their problems well. They make serious efforts to convince other people that they are normal. So, the abused starts to think it’s their fault or that they can change the one they love, or that the situation itself will change on its own. It will not.

There have been many criminal cases involving the death of the abused partner. People actually do sometimes kill the object of their abnormal, violent behavior, either intentionally or accidentally in a rage. And, victims actually do sometimes kill their abusers when they finally get to the point of no return. The end result can be a funeral and a lifetime of issues about guilt.

Women have been in my office describing these relationships and making an effort to justify both parties abnormal behavior. I have always suggested counseling and leave the home - coupled with usually a divorce petition and a protective order. In some cases, the abused party will call my office and tell me that she is going to give the relationship one more try. Every case is different, of course, but it is my belief that this is a mistake. I hope that you, Ms. Reader, will take the steps to protect yourself - and now, not later.

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Extreme Measures

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D.

Walking about the tree-lined, red-brick covered campus of San Diego City College, you can feel a hopeful energy. This multi-cultural, inner-city campus attracts bright teenagers, middle-aged professionals, recovering addicts and suburban housewives all seeking some sort of growth and advancement. As former adjunct psychology faculty at City College, I feel a deep sadness about the recent campus murder of 19-year-old student Diana Gonzalez.

Diana Gonzalez, the teenage mother of a 9-month-old baby, was found brutally murdered beyond recognition, in a restroom. She had recently filed a restraining order against her husband, Armando Perez, 37, though the order had not yet been served. In her police report Diana stated her husband kidnapped and raped her over a three-day period, dragging her to a series of motels. At one point he allegedly strangled her to the point of unconsciousness. Diana's parents were apparently so worried about her that they drove her to and from her night class. When she didn't make it back to the car, they called police.

The San Diego District Attorney's office failed to press charges against Armando Perez on the violence charges Diana reported. District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis refuses to answer questions about the case ,citing "on-going investigation" as the reason. The prime suspect, Armando Perez, remains free. His abandoned car was found in Tijuana, Mexico, a few days after Diana's murder.

Depending on the type of survey used, between 600,000 and six million domestic violence cases are reported each year. In the year 2000, 1,247 women were murdered by an intimate partner. That same year, 440 men nationwide were murdered by an intimate partner. These statistics show how difficult it is to predict which cases will escalate to homicide and which cases will not. Law enforcement and domestic violence experts know the challenges of protecting domestic violence victims. Once two people have sex with one another, they often continue to replay a drama of passion and violence. Studies show that domestic violence disturbance calls often place police in danger. Children in violent homes are more likely to be abused. I've worked with children injured while trying to protect a parent. One of my clients witnessed the beating of a woman by a man and was punched while trying to rescue her. Victims often continue contact with perpetrators, violating mutual restraining orders, frustrating therapists and security professionals alike.

It appears Diana did everything she could do legally to protect herself from further violence. She filed the police report and restraining order, gave consistent statements and attempted to stay away from her husband. However ,he still got to her. He stalked her. Diana's husband allegedly kidnapped her, after lying in wait, and, for three days, raped her. He also apparently stalked her at school. He has been officially charged with her murder with a "lying -in-wait" allegation, making him eligible for the death penalty.

Victims of intimate partner violence and stalking experience significant negative psychological and physical health symptoms. Anxiety, depression, stress-related illnesses and deteriorating health result from living in chronic fear. Dr. Pati Beaudoin says that victims of stalking experience social isolation, exhaustion, desperation, diminished concentration, and communication problems. At a time when clear thinking is required for self-defense, victims often feel cloudy headed, disoriented, numb.

Dr. Brian Spitzberg reports that one type of high-risk stalker is what he calls the organized stalker, a controlling individual motivated by hate. Violent stalkers often have what Dr. Spitzberg calls a power orientation, characterized by domineering behavior, a strong masculine sex role identity, and distrust. These traits, combined with social incompetence evidenced by jealousy, obsessional thinking and a lack of empathy, are strong predictors of violent behavior. Armando Perez demonstrated an extreme lack of empathy by leaving his infant child motherless and his three children from his previous marriage fatherless.

Armando Perez was married to Olga Vera-Perez for 14 years. They created three children. Armando abused Olga by choking her in 2009. He then moved on to abuse Diana. Casey Gwinn, president of the National Family Justice Center Alliance in San Diego, said about this case, "Based on the evidence we had and based on the evidence I've seen, and, as 20 years as a prosecutor, it appears to me that charges should have been filed in this case." Diana reported a history of more than 20 domestic violence incidents involving Perez. "Somebody should have been interviewing her about those," Gwinn said. "If they were misdemeanors the city attorney could have filed them." The system failed to protect Diana Gonzalez.

Threat assessment expert Gavin de Becker cautions against restraining orders in many situations of domestic violence. If someone abides by the law they might be deterred by it so therefore probably don't need one. If the perpetrator engages in criminal conduct, they already show a disregard for the law. A restraining order can provoke the individual to act out violently as they might see the order as a hostile threat requiring retaliation or as a threat to their dominance. In Diana's case, the restraining order had no effect, as it had not been served. The only effect it may have had was to give Diana and her family a false sense of security.

Naturally, anyone in Diana's position would yearn to return to a sense of normalcy after the trauma she endured. Going back to school to better her life and the life of her child was an honorable thing to do. Unfortunately, in domestic violence/stalking cases, a woman faces the greatest danger when she separates from her abuser. To protect yourself from a violent stalker, sometimes you must exercise extreme measures:

• Take a leave of absence from school, work, or any familiar places known to the stalker.
  
• Go to a domestic violence shelter. Shelter services provide a 60 to 70 percent reduction in incidence and severity of re-assault.
• Consult a threat-assessment professional. You can find referrals from the Association of Threat Assessment Professionals.
• Consult private security professionals. Follow their advice.
  
• Think like a stalker. How could someone find you? Where are you most vulnerable?
• Leave town. Don't stay with any known relatives or friends. Instead, stay with friends of friends or people unknown to the stalker.
  
• Get a second phone number for your personal calls. Leave the old phone number to receive messages so you can screen calls from the stalker and monitor his mood.
• Get a guard dog.
• While driving, make sure you're not followed. Test this by making four left turns.
• Hire a private investigator to monitor your stalker.

Not everyone can afford to implement all of these suggestions. However, you can increase your likelihood of survival the more you take responsibility for your own protection. Law enforcement reacts to crimes already committed or in progress. Depending on police to protect you may not ensure your safety. You may have to do things outside the boundaries of normal life. You may have to take extreme measures.

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Denial: The Perpetrator’s Evil Accomplice

by Dr. Gina Simmons

"I think my husband is sexually abusing our baby," a counseling client confided. The young mother reported disturbing observations, including: mysterious abrasions on her daughter’s rear end, the child screaming every time the dad approached, and, the kicker, "I saw him naked with an erection in the baby’s room last night!" I told her I needed to file a child abuse report. She agreed to a safety plan to protect her baby.

The next day an investigator called me to discuss the case. I repeated what the mother had told me, including more details than reported here. "She told me you exaggerated what she said," the detective told me. "She denies ever telling you she thought her husband was abusing the child." As we talked, the detective described the mother as "cagey, guarded, and highly protective of her husband." The detective stated, “Unfortunately, it is our policy not to pursue these cases when the only witness recants. Unless you have other evidence, there’s nothing I can do."

The mother never returned my phone calls. Several months later, I ran into her in a public place. As is my practice, I don’t talk to clients in public unless they choose to speak to me. This protects their privacy. She approached me and said "Hello." I responded, "How are you?"

"My husband and I are great! Things have never been better," she said with a stiff, non-Duchenne smile.

Denial, the rejection of a truth too uncomfortable to accept, really sickens me. It keeps kids in abusive homes, allows pedophiles to serve communion, and enables killers to get away with murder. Sometimes denial serves a positive function. In a New York Times article, Benedict Carey describes how denial can allow us to idealize our loved ones by overlooking flaws and exaggerating strengths. This serves as a way to preserve family relationships, and it fosters loyalty and healthy attachment. Understanding and empathizing with our loved ones encourages forgiveness and domestic harmony.

Often a couple comes into therapy with what they call "communication problems." After 25 years of experience, I’ve learned that the problems often have nothing to do with communication and everything to do with denial. Many couples who reported "communication problems" in the first session eventually revealed their denial of problems like:

· Drug/alcohol addiction

· Family violence

· Extramarital affairs

· Child abuse

· Criminal activity

The real therapy doesn’t start until clients begin to tell the truth. Otherwise, the truth remains invisible under the haze of denial. Author Richard Bach writes: “The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we are afraid."

How do you know when you’re in denial?

· You are 5 feet tall and weigh 250 pounds (yes, you eat too much).

· Your friends and family hate the way your boy/girlfriend treats you (yes, s/he’s bad).

· Your friends and family fear for your safety (yes, your behavior is risky).

· You were arrested for DUI (yes, you have a drug/alcohol problem).

· Your son violates his probation (yes, he’s resumed his criminal activity).

As an anger management expert, I work to help people lower their levels of hostility and increase empathy for others. Empathy helps us understand and forgive. We can empathize with an abuser who suffered brutal treatment in childhood. Empathy for the abuser does not mean we should excuse abuse.

We teach people healthy ways to cope with strong, uncomfortable emotions so they don’t need to rely on denial to get through the day. But as any criminal profiler will tell you, many crimes of violence stem not from the heat of rage but from the cold calculations of a psychopath. And for every psychopath moving through the world looking for a victim, there’s a denying enabler looking the other way.

Photos courtesy of Google Images.

___________

Gina Simmons, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist and consultant specializing in anger management and workplace violence prevention. She writes for the Manage Anger Daily blog.

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Desperation: The Story of an Abused Woman

by Katherine Scardino

I have a client who is accused of murder -- the murder of her husband. She is one of those women who really has no defense. She has been beaten, abused, insulted, threatened, and generally derided to the point of having no backbone. She is a woman who has no self confidence, no belief that her life is worth a copper penny. She believed that her husband had all the control. There is no “but” after that statement; it is absolute and final.

One day he went too far. He called her names. He threatened her with death. He called her a “f---ing b---h” and said that he was going to kill her. He said it over and over ... yelling in her face, holding a gun in his hand. Unfortunately for this abusive, overbearing man, this woman now had a gun of her own. She shot him, not just once, but twice.

Shooting two times is a bit more troubling for a defense lawyer than just one time. Why is there a need to shoot two times? Maybe she shot two times to be absolutely sure that she would never have to endure this overbearing, arrogant piece-of-crap husband again -- ever! And because of this second shot, she won’t. He is now dead.

If a prosecutor said, "So, show me the evidence that all this abuse happened," how would this woman do that? There was no other person around, just herself and her husband. No one else. Who would believe her? His family thought he was a wonderful man, a wonderful husband. She knew differently. But she never told anyone because she felt no one would believe her.

What does this woman do now? She is charged with murdering her husband. She could go to prison for the rest of her life, or a major part of it. She certainly would be an old woman when she was eventually released.

She gets an attorney -- either hired or appointed. If she has to have an appointed lawyer, she has to pray with all her heart that he or she is an attorney who will find some sympathy for her life story. She prays that this lawyer will understand her story, stand by her and take up for her.

I am relating this to you because this is where I enter the story. I was appointed to represent this woman. She has never been involved in the criminal justice system before, ever in her life. She was married to this man for several years, and each year was worse than the year before.

I came into the story after the husband was dead. How am I to defend this woman? She is a worker, a person who has always had a job -- and not just any job, but a job that requires hard labor. She does that for a living. Her hands are rough and calloused. Her face is weathered and beginning to get some early wrinkles. She is thin, and when she has to dress for court, either in a skirt or a dress with some sort of heels, she looks out of place and obviously uncomfortable ... as if she would feel better in a pair of Levi's, work boots and gloves. I sense that, and I almost wish that it would be acceptable for her to show up in court in her usual, comfortable attire. Would the jury have more empathy, or identify more closely with her? I cannot help but feel that they would. But for now, it is better that she conform with society. Let’s not rock the boat.

Trial has not yet started. I am trying to put her in a position of power, or at least at a place where she can give me an opinion about what she wants out of this trial. Does she want me to work out a plea? (I am hoping she does not want that option.) It is difficult for her to make a decision about her own well-being since she has had no position of power in all of her married years.

I want her to help me with her defense in this case. It is hard to talk to her because she speaks in a whisper. Her voice is almost nonexistent. How did that happen? How can another human being get to the point where she has no voice, no power, no idea that her feelings can have any impact on anyone, especially on anyone in any authority.

Women like this one have been used and abused all their lives. Often, they have been sexually or physically abused during childhood and early adolescence. No one has ever asked their opinion about anything. They have never been of any value to anyone.

You, who are reading this are probably thinking, “Well, this is just impossible. There are no women today who are really like that.” I beg to differ with you. Yes, there are many women like the one I just described. They are good people. They may have been raised in a good family, with good parents and had a normal family life. But, somewhere along the road to adulthood, they ran into a man who was not normal. Is there a gene in these women's makeup that allows them to fall under the control of this man? I do not have a background in this field to tell you the answer. I can only say that it happens and it is scary to know that women like this are floundering - there is not much hope for them because they do not know how to fix the problem. Many of them do not even know they have a problem.

So, what will happen to my client? She could possibly spend most of the rest of her life in prison. We are awaiting trial right now. I am hoping that the trial will end with a not guilty verdict. But, I cannot guarantee that verdict to her. I can only assure her that I will work very hard in her defense. For now, this woman has some hope -- enough for her to hang on to and believe that her lawyer is working for her. What else does she have?

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Okay, Girls, Time to Listen Up!

by Kathryn Casey

They're not knights in shining armor. Their fervor isn't building because they love and want to protect you. I don't care if you met them in a bar, in church or on a college campus. The first time he lifts a fist toward you, when he issues his first threat, or his behavior verges on stalking, get help. Don't explain it away. Don't think you can change him. Tell those in charge, expose him for what he is, do what you have to do to stay safe, and get him the hell out of your life.

In fact, it's a good thing to stand your ground from the start. Take your time. Don't get invested in a guy too early. Wait on falling head over heels and starting a sexual relationship with a guy, until you know what type of person his is, including how he handles conflict. Do your best to make sure he's one of the good guys before you become romantically entangled.

There are almost always signs that a jerk's not a keeper. There are indications that the situation is spiraling out of control. Listen to your instincts. Those little hairs standing up on the back of your neck when you think about what he's capable of, they're telling you something. The goosebumps on your arms might not be from attraction but fear. Watch for the signs, keep your eyes open, and if you see indications that the guy has violence, rage, sex and love mixed-up, get out!

George Huguely, the University of Virginia lacrosse player now charged with murdering his girlfriend, another student athlete, Yeardley Love, apparently gave off those warning signals. News reports tell of prior altercations, including one with a woman police officer during which he yelled racial and sexual slurs. That run-in with the law resulted in probation. Huguely is, his friends say, a mean drunk. Yeardley must have known that; they were dating. Why didn't she alert authorities when he sent her threatening text messages? Am I blaming the victim? No. The villain here isn't Love; it's Huguely. But we as women need to be proactive. We need to do what we can to protect ourselves.

Love had options she apparently didn't take. Perhaps she thought she'd hang in there until May 23, when she and the man she was trying to wrench out of her life would each graduate and move in separate directions. Perhaps she'd talked him out of his rampages before and thought she could control him. Perhaps Love believed that, despite his threats, Huguely would never truly hurt her.

I understand that hindsight is 20/20, but Yeardley needed to take action, to get safe. She needed to understand who George Huguely is and that he had no place in her life.

If Yeardly Love didn't think she had to report Huguely's actions for her own protection, she should have done it for the women who would come after her, the ones who'd cross his path in the future. At the very least, Love needed to think: Okay. I'll get through this. But maybe he'll do it again, moving on to other victims. I need to make sure this guy has a track record, so others will be forewarned who they're dealing with.

Instead of filing for a restraining order, notifying police, at least attempting to move out of the line of fire, Yeardley was at home when Huguely says he broke down her door and attacked.

Do some women die every year at the hands of a partner even after notifying authorities and taking action? Sure. We all know that's true. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she's attempting to separate from a violent partner. It's true that there's only so much we can do to ensure our own safety, but we do have options: make reports, file complaints, get a restraining order, in this case, notify the campus police and administrators, tell your parents. Perhaps it would have been arranged for Huguely to leave the campus early, do his finals from home. Or maybe Love could have left early, returning to her home in Maryland, giving her the advantage of physical distance. Do we know for sure that any of these options would have saved Yeardley's life? No. But they could have.

So, please, don't believe you can change these guys. Don't delude yourself into thinking you owe them anything. When violence or threats of violence enter a relationship, all bets are off. Your main goal, your top priority, is safety. Get him out of your life and move on. And do everything you can to let others know who this guy is, so that when the next woman files a report, the investigating officer sees that your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband has a history of violence. At least then there's the potential that the new girlfriend's fears will be taken seriously.

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Murphy Milano's Exceptional Victims Handbook is Here!

by Women in Crime Ink

Just when the public has begun to believe that domestic violence is a crime of the past, the case of "Survivor" producer Bruce Beresford-Redman makes headlines. The case contains all the ingredients of a domestic homicide.

We have seen domestic violence creep back into pop culture and celebrity justice -- a la the Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen cases. There's no arguing that there's a problem, but one can’t help but ask: What can we do?

Leaving the abuse is the only solution, but that's a lot easier said than done. But leaving, and preparing to leave, just got a leap easier thanks to tireless victims' advocate Susan Murphy Milano. In her new book Time's Up, Murphy Milano offers clear directions on how to leave without being killed.

It's an understatement to say Murphy Milano hits the nail on the head (again). She calls the well-crafted, timely guide the culmination of the years she spent helping save the lives of women escaping domestic violence. In this soup-to-nuts handbook of 12 clearly written chapters, she provides the ABCs of getting away from an abusive relationship with your life. Her concrete instructions give victims of domestic violence a stronger position in the criminal justice system.

For example, in Chapter 4 (Declaration of Independence), Murphy Milano describes and prescribes an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit –- a document to help in the serious, dangerous, and daunting process of leaving an abuser. The concept is simple yet genius: leaving your abuse requires planning. The chapter has a usable sample document. The affidavit is a wonderful tool for documenting injuries or other evidence of violence -- violence that perhaps leads to the affiant's murder -- and offers hope of holding the abuser criminally responsible. With this sample, you would write out your wishes, the details of the abuse, sign it, have someone witness it, get it notarized, and keep it somewhere secure, safe and out of the abuser's reach.

Take these circumstances for example:

You are in a dating relationship. The guy lives out of state. He's angry that you broke off the relationship. You have sense that he is planning to harm you because he can't have you in his life anymore. He leaves threatening messages on your voice mail or in texts that make you uneasy and afraid. His e-mails are emotional and may contain threats of what might happen if you do not come to your senses. Maybe he sends a threatening e-mail threatening to take his own life if you don't return to him. This suicide threat is also a sign you might be in danger. You need to complete this document and follow the instructions provided.

The biggest gem in the book is the recommendation to film the Declaration. From a prosecutor’s perspective -- for so many reasons -- this video explaining why you are leaving, why you are concerned and afraid, describing your history of being battered and/or stalked, will be the best evidence in the worst possible scenario.

If you trust someone at work to record you, or you belong to a church that's willing to make a brief recording for you – take the opportunity to do it, and then send the tape somewhere where the abuser can't find it.

One thing I would add to Murphy Milano's suggestions to victims: if you can't get a will notarized or have a witness present (perhaps because your abuser is watching you, or you need to leave in a hurry), I would recommend creating what is known as a holographic will. This is a will that has been entirely handwritten and signed. Normally, a will must be signed by a witness who attests to the validity of the document. However, in many jurisdictions, holographic wills will be treated equally under the law.

Can you imagine how valuable it would have been for Stacy Peterson’s family to have a Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and/or video, or a handwritten (holographic) will? Stacy is still missing, and her family has no peace. Most people are convinced her husband had a hand in her disappearance, but she left no message behind. Her children and parents have no idea what to do with her belongings. You can see how far this simple preparation would have gone in the Peterson case.

Escaping domestic abuse often takes many baby steps. Frightened women whose husbands or boyfriends have beaten, threatened or stalked them need some hand-holding through the process. As she has done one at a time in the past, Murphy Milano reaches out a hand in a way she hopes will save far more women and children than she can in person. Now it's up to those women to garner the courage to find the book and use all the advice Murphy Milano studded it with. Do it now! Do it fast! Don't spend one more day in an abusive relationship that could end in death. But, as Murphy Milano warns, plan well for that escape, and don't give the abuser the faintest hint that you are leaving.

Thank you to Susan Murphy Milano for giving us what Nancy Grace aptly describes as a succinct, well-written guidebook that is a must-have for anyone who is a domestic-abuse victim, knows one, or works with abused women. It is Murphy Milano's life dream that this book will be a staple at divorce-attorneys' offices, police stations, emergency rooms, libraries, battered women's shelters, religious buildings, and doctors' offices.

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Time's Up

by Diane Fanning

When I was in my first marriage, I did not see my husband as an abuser. I did not see myself as a victim. I was fooling myself. Although he did not hit me, he sometimes left bruises on my arms from holding them too tightly and, on occasion, he shoved me. But for the most part, the mistreatment I experienced was mental and emotional.

I was afraid of him, intimidated by him, cowed into an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. Toward the end, I was actually crossing the street to avoid people I knew, because I had allowed him to convince me that others only spoke to me out of pity. And I didn’t think I was a victim. I’d seen pictures of abuse victims—battered, bleeding, or dead—and that wasn’t me.

I was wrong. Without realizing it, I risked my life and that of my daughter. After a dramatic departure in the middle of an ice storm, I was safe, but it could have turned out so differently. I was lucky. Many women are not. Oftentimes, the first serious incident of domestic violence is a homicide.

I’ve written books about some of these cases and have learned through my research that the most dangerous time of any woman’s life is from the moment she makes the decision to leave to up to two years after she acts upon it. If you are planning on leaving your spouse or know a woman who is, you must have TIME’S UP by Susan Murphy-Milano.

Susan explains abuse simply and clearly in the beginning of the book so thoroughly it left me shaking and in tears, even decades after my escape from that bad relationship.  I was stunned to read so much about my experience and know I was not alone.  Then she takes the reader through everything she needs to do in preparation for departure, including precautions, tips and forms to make the planning and implementation part of a process rather than a helter-skelter act of desperation.

It is all at your fingertips in the pages of this book. If you are a sophisticated, educated, aware woman, you will find things you didn’t know to help yourself and others. If you are a stay-at-home mom who has been controlled since a teenager and doesn't know the first thing about leading an independent life, you’ll find all the details you need to escort you through the risk-filled and often baffling transition ahead.

In addition to the book itself, there is a video on YouTube.com that demonstrates one of the necessary steps: a women presenting a sample Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit. (see video below)

By writing this book, Susan Murphy-Milano has given a great gift to all women and children. I am in awe of the magnificent job she has done, the life experiences she has overcome, and the compassion and common sense that fill every chapter.

I cannot emphasize how important this book is to all the women in your life. Even if you are in a good, stable relationship, buy this book and keep it handy. One day, when you least expect it, someone close to you will need it. It can save a life—many lives.

TIME'S UP by Susan Murphy-Milano: the best companion an abused woman can have.

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The Common Fear Factor

by Susan Murphy-Milano

One of the major reasons women stay in abusive relationships is fear. They are afraid of what will happen to them and their children if they leave. Sadly, their fears are often justified; statistics show that a woman is at the greatest risk for injury when she announces her plans or leaves an abusive relationship.

To illustrate the danger, let's consider the case of Utah's Susan Powell, a wife and mother who has not been seen or heard from since December 6th. Hers is a familiar scenario, one that occurs in the majority of abused women cases across the country. If one takes a close look at the evidence, in my opinion, the most logical conclusion is that Susan Powell was murdered. 

Susan Powell was a stockbroker with two young sons, a devoted mother and likely the person in the marriage with a larger paycheck than her husband, Josh. Over time, the marriage reportedly turned controlling, with Josh insisting on knowing what Susan was doing when not under his radar. We've all seen the news reports, including that he demanded she tell him how much she spent on herself and for household goods and services. In this type of case, the fights build up from yelling to shoving. A bedroom door is slammed with greater frequency, and the couple drifts apart. 

Many abused women hope that having children will change the behavior of an abusive mate. They hope the abuser will turn his/her life around for the sake of the children and that the result will finally be a happy home life. In the Powell case, that didn't happen. Pregnant with her second child, perhaps under circumstances beyond her control (she could have been forced as some are in the marriage), Susan brings another life into a world three years later where anger and violent outbursts become commonplace. During this time Susan likely announces, the marriage is over. Perhaps making statements such as, "we need to divorce" or "this is not fair to the children and I can no longer go on living this way." 

There is a point for many abused women when they verbally announce the steps to end the abuse that lays the foundation for an abuser to begin thinking about a course of action. Around this time an abused woman begins confiding in co-workers or close friends. As we later learned from authorities, that is exactly what Susan did. 

For the alleged offender, I will use Josh Powell as an example. Now he is formulating a plan no different from the plans of other violent persons: one born of anger and desperation. Anger because the person is leaving and ending the relationship. Desperation over what he (the abuser) will be forced to carry out if the person with whom he is in a relationship cannot be persuaded to stay. 

This plan remains in the abuser's mind, of course, until he see signs of movement. In this case, perhaps Susan was whispering on the phone to someone, and when Josh walked into the room she quickly changed her tone or ended the phone call. Or he learned that Susan set up a bank account and believed she was hiding money so she and the kids could leave. 

The signs of movement spark Josh or any potential abuser to think of the next level. They think to themselves, Okay, she is going to leave me. I will not let that happen. He acts as though nothing is wrong but, when she goes to sleep, Josh rummages through her car looking for evidence of her plan, a bank receipt or an unusual transaction or charge. Maybe in her purse he checks the cell phone for any unusual numbers he does not recognize. Or goes through the computer and checks the browser to see her activity. 

He finds something and his anger is elevated, his heart is racing, but he remains calm and says nothing to Susan. A smile comes to his face because he "caught her," and he figures she will pay one way or the other at a later date. 

Around this time Susan begins sending e-mails about the abuse and threats she has endured by Josh to a trusted circle of friends. Maybe she keeps a detailed log with dates and times of the incidents. 

Now Josh does what I label the "smell change." Susan is acting strange and, like cologne,
Josh can literally (as with most abusers) sense when their environment has shifted. Perhaps Susan is verbalizing her unhappiness with greater frequency. Maybe she stands up for herself during a fight where months before Susan would have backed down and gone to her room without incident. 

It is very difficult for any abused women to hide that spark of empowerment from a clever abuser. They (the abuser) smell it as sure as a fox entering a coop filled with chickens.


It's now that most abusers decide to implement their plans. He has thought about it from the moment it entered his mind. The children are sleeping and the couple gets into a heated argument. At this point possible scenarios vary. Here is one example: Josh in his rage could have knocked her unconscious and carried her out to the car. Then, one at a time, he lifts his sleeping boys into the back seat. The family drives to the desert. Susan wakes up and gets out of the car. Josh and she are arguing and he hits or pushes her off an embankment and into a ravine. Josh drives back with the boys to the house where he is questioned by authorities. 

In many ways, the case of Susan Powell appears no different from the millions of cases of violence we never hear about, until women go missing and their bodies are found. Abuse victims often have no official documentation of the abuse because they were too afraid to contact police or obtain a court order of protection. Why? Because better than anyone they (the victims) know it would do them no good. It would only escalate the level of danger. 

The one thing an abuse victim knows for certain is the fear that has been planted in them over time by an abuser and the likelihood of imminent danger if it is discovered they plan to leave. I believe this is what happened in Susan Powell’s case;  she had only one opportunity to leave and somehow Josh Powell found out. 

On December 7, 2009, I, like a number of you, saw this case on the Internet or on a news broadcast. And, sadly, I bowed my head in prayer, knowing she would never again be seen alive.

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A Holiday Nightmare

by Kathryn Casey

You probably wouldn't have noticed him in the crowd, the bearded, 36-year-old man at Wal-Mart two days before Christmas, scouring the tool aisle. He picked up one item after another, examining each, perhaps testing their weight, considering how they were made, the quality of a hatchet, a machete, and a variety of knives. What Jason Bouchard settled on, what he paid the cashier for and walked out the door with, was a crowbar.

Miles away at her Houston home, Terri Sanvincente, a well-known Adam Lambert fan and an assistant manager at a Walgreen's drug store, worried about Bouchard, a man she'd once loved who'd systematically tormented her life.

Two years earlier, she'd had the ex-army paratrooper formally evicted from their home. The separation, however, had dragged on, with Bouchard seeking custody of their three children, ages eight, six and three. Yet that, too, had recently been settled in Sanvincente's favor; six weeks earlier, after an 18-month battle, jurors granted primary custody to Sanvincente. Perhaps it wasn't surprising. At the hearing, Bouchard, who represented himself, surprisingly well, one expert says, admitted drug use and frequent masturbation. The jury ruled that he'd be allowed only supervised visits with his children.

Forty-year-old Sanvincente, it would later appear, took little comfort in the ruling. She continued to worry that she and her children (one dressed as Lambert on the right) remained in danger from a man who'd pushed her and hurled constant insults. “She was always afraid of what he was going to do next,” said Tabitha Charlton, Sanvincente's first family attorney, who walked away from the case fearing for her own safety. “Jason is brilliant in an evil way.”

In the wake of the court decision, Sanvincente became obsessed with protecting her children. She fretted constantly about Bouchard, what he was planning, what he might do to her, to their children. In hindsight, it would seem wisely so.

Last Christmas morning at four a.m., Bouchard parked in front of 16411 Sky Blue, Sanvincente's home, the one in which his three children, their mother and a babysitter slept. With him, he carried the newly purchased crowbar and a gallon gas can. Outside the house, he pulled up the hood on his sweatshirt to cover his head from a stormy night, then walked to the back of the house. Once there, he poured gasoline on a window ledge near the door and ignited it, to trap those inside. As the fire spread, Bouchard circled the house to his children's bedroom. It was there that he used the crowbar for its first intended purpose: breaking the window. Inside, his eight-year-old son heard the commotion, saw the fire, and ran to wake the others. Later Bouchard would say, "I was proud of him at that moment. He wasn't afraid anymore. He took charge."

By then, Bouchard was on his way to the front door. He wasn't finished.

Beating on the door, he waited for Sanvincente. When the door opened, her mind must have been swimming, so much that at first she misjudged the situation. "Have you called them yet?" she asked Bouchard, most likely referring to 911 and the fire department.

"Called who?" he replied. Later, he'd say, her eyes grew wide.

"Oh, my God," she cried. It was then that Bouchard used the crowbar for its second purpose, pummeling Sanvincente. With the first blow to the face, she fell, shouting at her children to run. But Bouchard didn't stop. In all, he struck her at least twenty times, while his two sons watched.

Apparently believing he'd accomplished what he'd come for, Bouchard woke up neighbors, who rescued the children. When police arrived, he surrendered. "I don't think she knew I was going to kill her," he'd say later. "... I thought I'd killed her, yet she lived another fourteen hours."

Why did he savagely beat the mother of his children? In a rare admission, Bouchard gives insight into the psychology of such killers. In a chilling letter to the Houston Chronicle, he wrote: "Killing Terri Sanvincente was my only option left before too much time under Terri Sanvincente's manipulation and influence forever took them down a path of future self-hatred ..."

What Bouchard's letter to the Chronicle gives us is a window into his diseased mind. What we see is a man without remorse, one who has manipulated facts and events to justify his actions and feels blameless. Killers like Bouchard feel entitled. It's what they want that counts.

The rest of us are expendable.

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